NYT 36 Questions to Fall in Love: Full List & How to Use

In January 2015, a writer named Mandy Len Catron published an essay in the New York Times called "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This." She described taking a man she knew to a bar and working through a set of 36 questions, developed by psychologist Arthur Aron in 1997, that were designed to create closeness between strangers.

Then they stared into each other's eyes for four minutes.

Then they got married.

The essay went viral. The questions became one of the most searched relationship topics on the internet. A decade later, people are still Googling them before first dates, marriage therapists are assigning them to couples, and researchers are still studying why they work.

Here is the complete list of all 36 questions, the psychology behind why they create closeness, a practical guide to actually using them, what the research says about whether they cause people to fall in love, and some honest perspective on what happens after.

The Backstory: Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron, and a 1997 Experiment You Never Heard Of

In 1997, psychologists Arthur Aron and Elaine Aron (yes, they are married to each other) published a paper in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin titled "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness." The question they were asking was surprisingly direct: can we make two strangers feel genuinely close to each other in under an hour?

The method was this: pairs of strangers or acquaintances would take turns asking each other a series of increasingly personal questions. The questions were designed in three sets. Set I starts with relatively safe, low-stakes material. Set II moves toward values, fears, and formative memories. Set III asks for genuine vulnerability and direct emotional expression.

At the end, participants stared into each other's eyes for four uninterrupted minutes.

The results: participants who went through the questions reported significantly higher feelings of closeness to their partner than a control group that had a normal conversation. One couple from the original research got married. The research team attended the wedding.

Aron's goal was not, importantly, to make people fall in love. It was to study how closeness is generated. The NYT essay turned a closeness experiment into a love experiment, and the distinction matters. The questions are very good at creating intimacy. Whether that intimacy becomes love depends on everything that comes after.

Why the Questions Work: The Science Explained Simply

Two theories explain most of what happens during the 36 questions.

Self-Disclosure and Reciprocity

The first is well-established: people feel closer to others when they share personal information and when that sharing is reciprocated. This is not complicated. If you tell someone something real about yourself and they respond in kind, both people feel less alone. The vulnerability shared creates a micro-bond.

The 36 questions structure this disclosure deliberately. Rather than hoping the conversation gets personal naturally, which it often does not on dates, the questions create a scaffold that gradually increases the depth of what each person shares. By the time you reach Set III, you are talking about things you might not tell your closest friends.

Social Penetration Theory

The second theory, developed by Altman and Taylor, suggests that relationships develop through progressive "layers" of self-disclosure, from surface topics to core identity. Most conversations, especially with new people, stay at the outer layers indefinitely.

The 36 questions deliberately skip the outer layers and move toward the core. Within 45 minutes to an hour, two people can reach a depth of mutual understanding that would normally take months of casual encounters to achieve.

The eye contact at the end has its own effect. Sustained mutual gaze activates the brain's attachment systems and produces measurable increases in feelings of connection and attraction. Four minutes is long enough to feel significant without becoming uncomfortable (for most people).

The Complete List: All 36 Questions

These are Arthur Aron's original questions, exactly as they appear in the research. Work through each set in order. Take turns asking and answering. The escalation is intentional. Skipping ahead or rushing undermines the effect.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."

26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

After completing all 36 questions, the original protocol calls for both partners to silently stare into each other's eyes for four uninterrupted minutes. Four minutes is longer than it sounds. It will feel strange at first. Most people laugh or look away. The instruction is to keep going.

This is not a gimmick. Sustained mutual gaze activates neural circuits associated with attachment and affiliation. Combined with the vulnerability just shared, it tends to produce a genuine and measurable feeling of closeness. Catron described it as "more vulnerable than anything else we'd done."

How to Actually Use the 36 Questions (A Practical Guide)

Having the list is the easy part. Using it well takes a bit more thought. Here is what actually makes the difference between a forced exercise and a genuinely memorable conversation.

Do the 36 Questions Actually Make People Fall in Love?

The honest answer: sometimes. And the distinction matters.

Aron and his co-researchers were careful about this in their original paper. The goal was to create "a temporary feeling of closeness, not an actual ongoing relationship." They concluded: "We think that the closeness produced in these studies is experienced as similar in many important ways to felt closeness in naturally occurring relationships that develop over time. On the other hand, it seems unlikely that the procedure produces loyalty, dependence, commitment, or other relationship aspects that might take longer to develop."

In other words: the questions can accelerate intimacy. They cannot manufacture chemistry where none exists, and they cannot sustain a relationship on their own.

Real results from people who have tried them:

The pattern in the results: the questions reliably create closeness. What happens to that closeness after the exercise depends on whether the underlying compatibility, chemistry, and circumstances support a real relationship. The questions are a very effective accelerant. They are not a substitute for actually having things in common.

What to Do After You Finish the Questions

Most people who research the 36 questions are thinking about how to use them. Very few think about what happens next. This matters.

• Name what you experienced. Something as simple as "that was a lot more real than I expected" or "I feel like I know you significantly better than I did an hour ago" validates the experience for both people and gives the closeness somewhere to land.

• Do not make a big decision immediately. The questions create intensity. That intensity can make something feel like love that is really just intimacy. Give it a few days before you draw conclusions about what you feel.

• Follow up on what you learned. If she mentioned a goal she has not pursued, ask about it on the next date. If he shared a fear, reference it when it becomes relevant. Showing you remembered and cared about what was shared is more valuable than anything you could say in the moment.

• Plan the next thing before you leave. The momentum from a successful questions session is real and it fades. Use it. Suggest something specific before you part.

These Questions Also Work for Couples Who Have Been Together for Years

Aron's research was not limited to strangers. Several studies have used the 36 questions with established couples to increase closeness, reduce emotional distance, and reconnect after periods of drift.

For couples who have been together for years, the interesting challenge is not the depth of the questions but the honesty required to answer them as if the relationship is still being built. Question 28, asking you to say things you like about your partner that you might not say to someone you just met, requires genuine reflection rather than rote response. The exercise forces you to see your partner fresh.

Relationship therapists who assign the 36 questions to couples often report that the exercise surfaces things neither partner had said out loud in years, sometimes positive realizations about how much they still value each other, sometimes things that needed to be said and had not been.

10 Bonus Questions for In-Person Conversations

The 36 questions work best as a structured exercise. But if you are at a singles event, on a date, or in any social setting where you want to move beyond small talk, here are 10 questions in the same spirit. They do not require the full exercise to create a real conversation.

1. What is something you are working on right now that you have not told many people about?

2. What is the best decision you have made in the last year?

3. What does your version of a really good life look like in five years?

4. What is something you changed your mind about in the last few years?

5. What is the most important thing someone could do to show they care about you?

6. What is something you love that most people around you do not understand?

7. What is one thing you want to get better at that you rarely talk about?

8. What is a moment in your life that you think shaped who you are in a way people would not guess?

9. What would you do differently if you knew you were going to be wildly successful at it?

10. What is something you have been wanting to say to someone and have not yet?

These work especially well at singles events in NYC and similar social settings where you have the time and the energy for real conversation but not the logistics to run through all 36 questions from a list.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the 36 questions to fall in love from the New York Times?

They are a set of questions developed by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues in 1997, designed to create closeness between strangers through escalating mutual self-disclosure. They became famous after a 2015 New York Times essay by Mandy Len Catron described using them on a date. The full list, organized in three sets of 12, appears in this article.

Do the 36 questions actually make you fall in love?

They reliably create closeness and intimacy, which can feel like love but is not the same thing. Aron's own research notes that the procedure creates temporary feelings of closeness, not ongoing commitment. Whether intimacy becomes love depends on the chemistry, compatibility, and circumstances beyond what any set of questions can produce. The questions are a powerful accelerant. They are not a guarantee.

How long does it take to go through all 36 questions?

In Aron's original research, the full exercise including all three sets took about 45 minutes. With the four-minute eye contact at the end, the entire protocol is approximately 50 minutes. In practice, if people follow tangents and really engage with the questions, it can run 60 to 90 minutes. You do not have to do all 36 at once; splitting across two sessions works too.

Where did the 36 questions come from originally?

From a 1997 psychology study by Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron, and colleagues at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. The paper was titled "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" and was published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The questions were not intended as a dating tool; they were part of research on how closeness forms between people.

Can the 36 questions work for couples in long-term relationships?

Yes. Several studies have used the questions with established couples and found they increase reported closeness, particularly when partners engage honestly rather than relying on familiar answers. The exercise is most effective when both people treat it as if they are learning about each other for the first time, which requires genuine reflection rather than habitual responses.